Climb Even Higher

“I’m just not ready to let you go.”

That was all I could think the entire week leading up to my grandmother’s funeral. I’d been arguing with her back and forth for about a year and a half about her coming to my wedding. She regularly shared her doubt of being alive to attend but I insisted that she’d make it. Looking back on it, I think I was trying to will her to keep living even though I knew she was tired. I just wanted her to keep living. I never wanted to say goodbye. There was so much more I wanted to ask her. So much more I wanted to tell her. So much more time and space I wanted to share with her. She and God obviously had different plans.

I think a part of me not wanting to let her go was my fear of life without her. I’ve been privileged to share space and time with so many anchors to my family’s legacies. My maternal grandmother told us stories of how her grandfather came to America on a slave ship and slept in the grave yard to hide from slave masters. She shared her own story of survival as she stowed away from Georgia and began her life again in New York. My paternal grandmother shared her experiences of activism, inciting a march to fight for justice on the streets of New York City. I was blessed to see the land and property of my maternal great grandfather and the three room shack my grandparents birthed and raised 11 children in. I have been so blessed to KNOW where and of whom I come from, losing my last grandparent signified an end of an era.

In an effort to comfort one another and properly grieve, my brother and I try to check in regularly. We share thoughts, videos and pictures and give each other the okay to feel whatever it is we are feeling in the moment. One question my brother asked me during one of our sessions is, “What do you think Grandma Walters has left you?” I was a little perplexed at first by the question, not really understanding until he explained further. “They always leave us with something you know”, he said, “After the funeral, and as you go on living she will be with you and you will realize that she left you something very significant.”

It’s been about three weeks since we buried my grandmother and she has indeed been with me. Not only her, but my other grandmother, Grandma Tomblin and all of the many people (blood related and otherwise) I’ve been blessed to have impact my life in a mighty way. On Sunday mornings when I get up at 7:30 to get washed up and have time to prepare breakfast for my husband before he preaches, I feel Grandma Walters and remember her always making sure we ate even well into her years. When I go down on my knees to pray for my family and friends I feel Grandma Tomblin and remember her love for our God and her unmovable faith. As I create and build my business, I remember my great grandfathers from both sides of my family who owned land and who ensured they had their own and were never solely dependent on others to care for their families.

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(Grandma Tomblin, Grandma Walters and Aunt Annie Mae pictured above)

I could go on and on about the many amazing people I’ve been blessed to have pave the way on the journey of life for me. My Grandma Walters means the WORLD to me. They all do. As I’ve pondered my brother’s question, my fear of what life would be like without her has taken great perspective as I now see that she hasn’t left me at all. I am a reflection of her and all of my loved ones. They have left me with GREAT love and legacy and I have been tasked to take their stories, lessons, and triumphs and climb even higher.

There is so much more that I feel like I want to say or should say but I think that greater than my words my actions of speaking up, loving hard and serving God faithfully will make her very proud. I pray that as I grow in marriage, ministry, life, work and eventually motherhood that I will leave the next generation with a legacy even richer through word and deed.

Love, Jenise La Vonne